【作文团】第四弹——养老足球赛

　　作者 | M社姚芝蕉，Smile

　　小编 | 明明

　　作文题目

　　养老“足球赛”(原文)

　　作者：

　　M读书团-姚芝蕉

　　This picture ,simple yet illuminating,reveals the division of property occurred in most homes in today’s society. As is reflected by the picture,an elderly father sits tremulously on the ground,with a ball in his arms. And his four kids play the gatekeeper.They firmly believe that the person who hold out the ball is winner.Therefore,they keep a close watch on their father.

　　The picture illustrates that an increasing number of people attach great importance to their parent’s heritage.On the one hand,the parent’s working time is longer compared with them.In proportion,the parent gets

　　more property.On the other hand,the reason for this is because the parent spoils their kids particularly so that their kids are not able to stand on their own feet.

　　In my opinion,as the parent who really love their kids,they shouldn’t give heritage for their kids who is able to rely on themselves.Warren Buffet gave his son enough to follow his dream,but not enough to do nothing.It is traditional virtues in China that adult children should care for their aged parents.If you agree the picture,you are putting the cart before the horse.

　　M作文团参考解析：

　　满分100分，本文得分82分。

　　评语：

　　作者词汇量积累不错，能够较恰当地使用高级词汇；句法方面做得很棒，但是从句不多；文章采用了适当的过渡词和衔接词，结构比较严谨。

　　部分句子点评

　　1

　　第一段

　　This picture ,simple yet illuminating,reveals the division of property occurred in most homes in today's society. （M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之前无须空格。在英语写作中happen, occur, chance, take place都有“发生”的意思。请注意它们之间的区别，它们的区别如下：happen: 普通用词，泛指一切客观事物或情况的发生，强调动作的偶然性。occur: 较正式用词，可指意外地发生，也可指意料中的发生。

　　chance: 侧重事前无安排或无准备而发生的事，特指巧合。take place: 多指通过人为安排的发生。）

　　· [教师点评]

　　As is reflected by the picture,an elderly father sits tremulously on the ground,with a ball in his arms. （M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该加空格。在英文写作中，ball和dance 都有“舞会”的意思。它们之间的区别如下：

　　ball: 多指社交性的舞会，场面较为隆重和正式。

　　dance: 指一般性的非正式舞会。 ）

　　They firmly believe that the person who hold out the ball is winner. M注：本句有语法错误，同时句首与上一句句尾标点符号之间应该有空格。本句参考修改为：They firmly believe that the people who stick to the ball are the winners.他们坚信，坚持持球的人是赢家。

　　[教师点评]

　　Therefore,they keep a close watch on their father. （M注：在考研英语写作中，标点符号之后应该有空格。

　　2

　　第二段

　　The picture illustrates that an increasing number of people attach great importance to their parent's heritage.（M注：people是“人，民族”的意思，请注意people与 person的区别。其中attach importance to是经典高分短语，它的意思为：“重视”。例句：We should attach importance to what he said.我们必须重视他所说的话。）

　　On the one hand,the parent's working time is longer compared with them. （M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。）

　　· [教师点评]

　　In proportion,the parent gets more property. （M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。）

　　On the other hand,the reason for this is because the parent spoils their kids particularly so that their kids are not able to stand on their own feet. （M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。在英语写作中，so that 可以用lest替换。）

　　3

　　第三段

　　In my opinion,as the parent who really love their kids,they shouldn't give heritage for their kids who is able to rely on themselves. （M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。本句有错误，是中式英语，参考修改为：In my opinion, as a child's parents are very fond of their children, they should not be given to those who can rely on their own children's heritage.在我看来，作为一个孩子的父母都很喜欢他们的孩子，他们不应该给那些可以依靠他们自己的孩子遗产。在英文写作中，very 可以用more than 替换。in my opinion 可以用or my part/from my own perspective 替换。very 可以用verwhelmingly/exceedingly/extremely/intensely 替换。in my opinion 可以用or my part/from my own perspective 替换。在英语写作中baby, child, infant, youngster 都有有“孩子”的意思。）

　　Warren Buffet gave his son enough to follow his dream,but not enough to do nothing.（M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。本句为中式英语。参考修改为：Buffett Warren (Buffett Warren) offers everything to his children, the legacy of the property, enough to allow his children to pursue their dreams, but not enough to do nothing. 沃伦.巴菲特提供给他的孩子的一切，遗留的财产，足以让他的孩子去追求他们的梦想，但不足以什么也不做。）

　　It is traditional virtues in China that adult children should care for their aged parents.（M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。在英文写作中，请注意care for和like的区别，短语动词care for和及物动词like都有“喜欢”和“想要”的意思，区别是care for 只能用于否定句和疑问句，而like可用于各类句子。）

　　If you agree the picture,you are putting the cart before the horse. M注：在考研英语写作中，英文标点符号之后应该有空格。本句为中式英语。参考修改为：If you agree to this picture, you put the car in front of the horse.

　　如果你同意这幅画，你就把车放在马的前面。在英语写作中，If 可以用provided that 替换。）

　　M作文团参考修改稿

　　修改者：

　　M作文团-Smile

　　This picture, simple yet illuminating, reveals the division of property occurred in most homes in today’s society. As is reflected by the picture, an elderly father sits tremulously on the ground, with a ball in his arms. And his four kids play the gatekeeper. They firmly believe that the people who stick to the ball are the winners. Therefore, they keep a close watch on their father.

　　The picture illustrates that an increasing number of people attach great importance to their parent’s heritage. On the one hand, the parent’s working time is longer compared with them. In proportion, the parent gets more property. On the other hand, the reason for this is because the parent spoils their kids particularly so that their kids are not able to stand on their own feet.

　　In my opinion, as a child's parents are very fond of their children, they should not be given to those who can rely on their own children's heritage. Buffett Warren (Buffett Warren) offers everything to his children, the legacy of the property, enough to allow his children to pursue their dreams, but not enough to do nothing. It is traditional virtues in China that adult children should care for their aged parents. If you agree to this picture, you put the car in front of the horse.

　　jing dian yu ju tui jian

　　?. ?~?..?

　　经典语句推荐

　　M作文团

　　1、The picture illustrates that an increasing number of people attach great importance to their parent's heritage.这张照片说明了越来越多的人重视他们的父母的遗产。

　　（M注：people表示“人，民族”，请注意people与 person的区别。其中attach importance to是经典高分短语，它的意思为：“重视”。例句：We should attach importance to what he said.我们必须重视他所说的话。 ）

　　2、On the one hand, the parent's working time is longer compared with them.一方面，与他们相比，父母的工作时间更长。

　　（M注：在英文写作中compared with 可以用compared to/in comparison with/in comparison to/by comparison with/by comparison to替换。）

　　3、In proportion,the parent gets more property.在比例上，父母得到更多的财产。

　　（M注：proportion[英] [pr??p?:??n][美] [pr??p?r??n, -?por-]n.比，比率； [数学]比例（法）； 面积； 相称，平衡；vt.使成比例； 使相称； 使均衡；property英] [?pr?p?ti][美] [?prɑp?ti]n.特性，属性； 财产，地产； [戏]道具； 所有get...property 得到…的财产)

　　4、On the other hand,the reason for this is because the parent spoils their kids particularly so that their kids are not able to stand on their own feet.

　　另一方面，这样做的原因是因为父母溺爱他们的孩子，使他们的孩子不能够站住自己的脚。

　　（M注：在英语写作中，so that 可以用lest替换。 so 可以用therefore/thus/consequently/accordingly/as a result/for that reason/hence/that’s why替换。because 可以用as/due to/since/as to/in that/for the reason that/for/now that 替换。）